If you could instantly change one internal pattern/thing about yourself, what would it be?

I first read about this challenge thanks to this post by Lou.

For this challenge I want to foster writer interaction: write a blog post starting with a question—the AMA—and then answer the question yourself in the blog post. Others will likewise write AMA/question posts, but also answer the AMA/questions from other bloggers, linking to their initial post.

So I decided it would be cool to join this collective interaction initiative, and the first question I would like to answer, following Keenan’s path, is this one:

It is very clear to me what my biggest flaw is. I don’t know if I want to write about it publicly. I don’t even know if I want to confess it to myself. I guess this is as good a chance as any.

I don’t know how to plan ahead.

If I could instantly change one internal thing about myself, I would totally change my inability to plan ahead.

It has many bad consequences in my life. Or, at the very least, it makes me feel that my life is not as fulfilled as it could be. I’m 50 years old and apparently I have a good job and a wonderful family. And that’s true, but I feel like I’m missing out a lot of things for not being able to plan ahead for my whole life.

I work my ass off 12 hours a day, 6 and a half days a week. That’s pretty much all I do. I can’t keep up with the constant flood of work and I’m always behind in many of my projects. I think I deliver a good quality work, but it’s almost always late.

I am supposed to be a partner in my law firm and I am tasked with building a team for my area. I do have a junior lawyer working with me, but we are both overwhelmed by the amount of work we have and I don’t, I can’t, I don’t know how to find the way to expand my team, organize our work properly, delegate and free up some time for myself and my family.

I have a very long commute (one hour forth and another hour back), which adds up to the time I waste around my work. And it’s expensive, too, since I depend on my car, burning gas and paying tolls.

I don’t save any money. I have a nice salary but some months I don’t make ends meet. We spend a lot of money in my household, we burn through it and mine is the only income. So I have very small savings, no investments and a mortgage for a very long time still.

I celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary this year. We wanted to make a trip abroad to celebrate and I had no time (and hardly money) to plan the darn trip.

These are all consequences of me not knowing how to plan ahead. I took some decisions in my life that looked like good ideas back in their time and I don’t know how to stir them for a better outcome. I can’t find a way to overcome the new challenges in my life either.

I only have tunnel vision, focused on my every day overwhelming work load, and not taking the time I need to think.

I really feel vulnerable writing these things down. This is quite a big frustration in my life and I hate having to confront it. It does feel a little good, nevertheless.

It would be nice if I could remove this bad trait instantly, but I guess there’s no miracles, no instant solutions. I better start thinking and planning. If I only knew how to.

If you want me to answer to any other questions, drop me an email, I will appreciate it. #WeblogPoMoAMA